No one can be free of contention and confrontation all of the time without quartering his or her integrity. How controversies and difficult interpersonal issues are handled is determined by education and practice—once again, attributes learned at an early age. There are rules of interchange that transcend culture, ethnicity, language, gender, and ideology. No one likes to be badgered, belittled, demeaned, defamed, threatened, sworn at, or shouted down. It follows that one should not resort to such tactics against an opponent if a successful outcome is contemplated.
-“Let your wit rather serve you for a buckler to defend yourself, by a handsome reply, than the sword to wound others, though with never so facetious approach, remembering that a word cuts deeper than a sharper weapon, and the wound it makes is longer in curing.” Francis Osborn, advice to his son, 1656.
-“Remember not only to say the right thing in the right place, but far more difficult still, to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.” Benjamin Franklin.
-“Don’t flatter yourself that friendship authorizes you to say disagreeable things to your intimates. The nearer you come in to relation with a person, the more necessary do tact and courtesy become. Except in cases of necessity, which are rare, leave your friend to learn unpleasant things from his enemies; they are ready enough to tell them.” Oliver Wendell Holmes.
-“A diplomat is a person who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.” Anon.
“Tact is the art of making a point without making an enemy.” Howard W. Newton.
“It is a mistake that there is no bath that would cure people’s manners, but drowning would help.” Mark Twain.
There are useful rules for fighting—for fighting fair and not creating an enemy out of a person with whom you have a disagreement. Karen Clark gave a list of eleven useful qualities needed for the conduct of a such a successful fight. The present author will present a synopsis and commentary on her rules.
- Organize the argument: keep to the current topic of contention and argue about only one topic in each argument. Control anger and remember not to dump all of your feelings all at once. “Anger is a stone thrown into a hornet’s nest.” Malabar Proverb. Part of the organization, and best if it is mutually accepted, is to make a list of the things to fight about and make a series of appointments to discuss the entire list eventually.
- One person speaks at a time. Don’t interrupt, don’t badger or shout down the other person. Let the other person finish what he or she has to say and then insist on the same courtesy when it is your turn to speak. Give enough space in the conversation to ensure that each participant can calm down before the other person begins to speak.
- Never assume a dominant physical position. Both participants should assume a position on eye level with each other—both either sit or stand.
- No one can read minds—this is one of the most frequent complaints about discussions between husbands and wives. Define the rules of the conversation; be clear about responsibilities and privileges accorded to each; neither participant should allow a misunderstanding of the facts (as opposed to a disagreement about them) to dominate the exchange.
- There are several absolutes: Never threaten, resort to the silent treatment, call the other person names, swear, demean, or treat the other with disdain. Do not belittle the opinion of your opponent. Try and determine what is being said, felt, and understood by the other person. Develop the habit of telling the truth and expecting to hear it. Express your opinions carefully but forthrightly. Do not include opinions about other people—gossip—in your dialogue. “The tongue is the most dangerous, destructive, and deadly weapon available to man. A vicious tongue can ruin the reputation and even the future of the one attacked. Insidious attacks against one’s reputation, loathsome innuendoes, half-lies about an individual are as deadly as those insect parasites that kill the heart and life of a mighty oak.” The late Nathan E. Tanner, member of the First Presidency of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
- Treat each other with respect. Remain together, avoid intruding on the other person’s physical space. Do not harrow up old arguments, foibles, mistakes, or opinions. Keep it simple and direct but tactful. “Because” is no answer. “Just forget it!” or “If you can’t understand what I’m trying to tell you, I won’t talk to you!” are not viable arguments nor do they lead to constructive solutions.
- Set a time limit. Arrange a nonthreatening location for the talk. Be accommodating with regards permissions. It took six weeks of wrangling for the North Vietnamese and Viet Cong to agree on the shape of the table where peace talks were to begin with the Americans. You cannot afford such obstructiveness and lack of cooperation in your disputes.
- Listen. Determine mutually whether or not there are false assumptions. Try and figure out if there is real evidence for either position espoused. “The most savage controversies are those about matters as to which there is no good evidence either way.” Bertrand Russell. Find out what each of the participants in the dispute are feeling as well as what they are saying. Do not assume that you know what the other person is thinking or feeling. You may be surprised to learn the truth as seen from the other person’s point of view even if you are sure that you know the person very thoroughly. People change opinions, grow, gain more education, experience, and insight over time. You might even come to realize that the other person is right. Give that thought a chance.
- Do not conduct an argument or discussion with a third party regarding a dispute with a different person. It does not work to say, “Tell so-and-so that I said…or did…or believe this or that. The more intermediaries, the more distortions there will be.
- Not every opinion or position need carry moral coloration or blame. Most arguments do not involve a right or wrong issue, but, more simply a difference of opinion which can be modified, understood, and dealt with—an honest problem solving issue.
- Do not be a bully—shouting, threatening, cursing. Conversely, do not let yourself become a passive victim. You have the right to express your opinion and to tell the other person about your emotional concerns such as anger, sadness, humiliation, etc. Share what has produced the feelings. Such a communication does not need to be emotional in and of itself. “Anger is a temporary madness; so, control your passion or it will control you.” Horace. Choose words and phrases carefully and accurately. Be organized and try not simply to ventilate. People do not respond will to being put on the spot, to being blamed, even indirectly. It is better to say, “I am angry,” than to say, “You make me so angry.” To get anywhere, it is necessary to fight creatively, to take control of assumptions and feelings. Above all, it is crucial to find real answers, hopefully mutually acceptable ones, and to go on to the rest of your lives and to settle other problems as they come.
-“One of the barriers to understanding is lack of communicating, lack of talking things out, lack of keeping things in the open…Even the most promising marriage, the most promising relationship in life, can run into trouble if either arty to the relationship will sit in brooding silence, will nurture and closely hug his or her grievances to his or her heart.” Richard L. Evans.
-“Don’t try to saw sawdust; get a new piece of wood.” Leo Caglione.
-“Often the difference between a successful marriage and a mediocre one consists of leaving about three or four things a day unsaid.” Harlan Miller.
-“Enduring marriages require a strong sense of commitment to weather the storms, to negotiate, to appreciate each other’s individualities and rights and devise a line of communication to resolve conflicts.” David Gelman.
-“Never argue at the dinner table, for the one who is not hungry always gets the best of the argument.” Richard Whately.
-“All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.” Raymond Hull
-“It’s not simply a matter of tolerating short comings and keeping the peace. You have to do things you’ve never done before. It is not enough, and in fact not desirable in the long run to say, ‘that’s okay if you don’t want to’…The fantasy of making a commitment once and forever is nonsense. As we change, we have to renegotiate periodically.” Sam Klagshorn, M.D., Psychiatrist.
