The author proposes that a new way of treating other people—women, the elderly, children, those of a different race, cultural tradition, ethnic origin, or belief—should be taught in homes, schools, in community and political activities, and every other place where social intercourse takes place. The most important site of education is the family, however it may be structured. Children are born with a need to learn almost everything they will need to cope with the elements and with society—what is appropriate and what is not, how and who to obey, how to think about solutions to problems, and especially how to interact peaceably and respectfully with other people. Across every culture, there are principles that can be taught that will take a child and mold him or her into a responsible, effective, self-sustaining, and socially successful adult. Even adults can learn a new paradigm, one that can take them out of abuse and into a cordial atmosphere.
Here are some rules that should be worthwhile:
- Remember the importance of little things—courtesies, nuances of speech, elements of respect, trust, and acceptance.
- In relationships with other people, develop—empathy [the capacity for participation in another’s feelings or ideas]; compassion [sympathetic consciousness of an another’s distress with a desire to alleviate that distress]; sensitivity [awareness of the needs and emotions of others, development of the ability to recognize common feelings, whatever effects one similarly affects the other. The elements of empathy, sympathy, and sensitivity include a sense of unity, harmony, and an inclination to think and feel alike, to be in accord, to have mutual loyalty with a pronounced tendency to favor or to support each other; acceptance [giving admittance into the social group or coupling, approval, to receive favorably and at best, without reservation or conditions]. Stephen R. Covey contributed poetic prose on the desirability of having sensitivity to what is being communicated. “Please hear what I am no saying. Don’t be fooled by the mask I wear. My surface may be smooth; it is a mask. Pleas listen carefully what I cannot say but is critical for me to say. It is important that I know you care, that you can beat down the walls I have erected, but gently, for I am a child.”; understanding [friendly and harmonious relationships, agreement of opinion or feelings, toleration, willingness to adjust differences without acrimony, judgment, or blaming; affection [tender attachment, fondness, partiality, propensity towards the other, warm regard—expressed verbally and in actions].
- Practice civility even in disagreements. The Royal Bank of Canada Monthly Newsletter, in one of its monthly advice papers put it well, “If love is the foundation of a happy marriage, good manners are the walls; and diplomacy is the roof.” Learn to fight fair [see next blogspot].
- Negotiate—give a little to get a little.
- Acknowledge differences without rancor. Talk about those differences in an atmosphere of respect.
- Learn to accept differences; it takes practice and forbearance. Bear in mind the Alcoholics Anonymous Serenity Prayer: “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”
- If you and your family member or friend or acquaintance or school or workmate cannot come to an agreement, then accept—as a last resort—to agree to disagree. Many such impasses are not worth a fight, and you do not have to win every battle.
- Bear in mind the types of compromise: a. mutual acceptance of taking a middle course [the Goldilocks solution]; b. take turns [which you should learn from your siblings or in kindergarten]; c. yield this time with an understanding that each must take turns at yielding; d. arbitrate, often with an objective and disinterested third party interposed between the opponents in an argument. It is better to bend than to break.
- Avoid conflict. If opinions are so intense and feelings so strong that conflict occurs, seek an early, fair, and mutual resolution of the conflict.
- When dealing with others, remember the lasting affect of what is said and done, especially by parents to children and husbands to wives. According to Stanley Coopersmith in The Antecedents of Self-Esteem, there are four major factors contributing to self-esteem. They are: first and foremost, the amount of respectful, accepting, and concerned treatment that an individual receives from significant others in his or her life. In meaningful effect, we value ourselves as we are valued. Second, acceptance. At the core of parental sentiments toward a child are their attitudes of love and approval for the child as he or she is. Although other people may value or disapprove of a child for his or her appearance, abilities, performance, or other qualities, parents can express lasting love and approval even for a child who is limited in his or her abilities, attributes, and functioning. They can feel and express love and acceptance to a disfigured or retarded child as well as to the child who is bright and handsome. While it is probably easier to be loving to a gifted, charming, and attractive child, it is also possible—with proper education—to convey the same message of approval and support to any child. Third, the child’s value to the parents is not achieved but is ascribed. The parents’ regard for the child will persist despite–and over and above–any judgment of peers, school, or community. Parental love and approval conveyed in a variety of ways that are insistent and consistent expressions of parental attitudes, behavior, and approval which create small cumulative successes. Fourth, those indicators of approval and acceptance build a stable foundation of self-esteem upon which the child can build his or her way to success and can maintain an enduring sense of worth which allows taking risks and reinforces the child’s and the eventual adult’s belief in his or her capacity to overcome obstacles and to succeed. All of the above can be said for the girl who becomes the adolescent and who becomes the wife. She will likewise blossom and be an invaluable asset for the man who learns to treat her well.
- In Mr. Coopersmith’s scholarly study, it was irrelevant to the child’s eventual level of self-esteem what the family income is, the parents’ occupations or educations, or what religion or lack thereof was in the family home. What did matter was the degree of parental concern, understanding, attention, and respect. Children reared in homes that employ democratic procedures are generally more self-confident, competitive, assertive, spontaneous, expressive, exploratory, and original. They may also be more bossy and argumentative and more inclined to dissention and disagreement. There needs to be an increased level of education within such families to help the children learn to accept others, to learn acceptable boundaries, and to live harmoniously with the people around them. Jewish families in Mr. Coopersmith’s study appeared to achieve somewhat better results than people in other religions owing, it appears, to more time spent with and educating their offspring. The ideal is expressed in the Hasidic celebration of Shabot. No matter how poor the surroundings, how meager the fare, or much difficulty is faced by the family, the Friday evening meal is attended by a husband who is a king, a wife who is a queen, and children who are princes and princesses.
- Several attributes should be actively taught, especially to boys who will encounter females, starting with their mothers and sisters. They will learn effectively and probably for a lifetime from the example set by their fathers. Appreciation and expressing it liberally and specifically is not only a great virtue, but it is also a significant incentive for the child or the wife (or the husband) to seek more and better ways to please significant others. Husbands and fathers are likely to be kinder if they know they are valued and appreciated. Kindness, love, and helpfulness are nurtured–like the body–from the nourishment received. There are no great or spectacular things men, women, and children can do to keep comity, love, and emotional nourishment alive in a family; but there are a great many little things that can be given every day. Certainly one of those is to be taught, to learn, and to practice the most fundamental social graces—please and thank you, open the door for someone, hold the elevator door; so, another can enter first, etc. The cumulative effect is what makes a healthy, happy, successful, and giving person—one who has learned to pass it forward.
There is a striking historical example. Henri Charriere, aka Papillon, was sentenced to what was perhaps the most dreadful prison existing in the world—the French Iles du Salut [Ile Royale, Ile St. Joseph, and the smallest, Ile du Diable, Devils Island. The islands are located six miles off the coast of French Guiana. The smallest was Ile du Diable which is 1300 yards long and 440 yards wide. Treatment was inhuman with the expressed intent of dehumanizing prisoners into submissive animals. Prisoners were forbidden to use names and were identified only by their prisoner numbers. They were forbidden to look up, ever. Papillon recounted a singular experience in his book after escaping, an experience that he never forgot. He met a visiting official who asked for directions, and called him by his name. They walked together and talked on the way to the man’s destination. Papillon counted that experience as one of the very few positive events in his entire long stay on Devil’s Island, most of which was spent in solitary confinement.
President Warren G. Harding cared for his senile wife throughout his presidency. He treated her with respect despite her unpleasant and difficult behavior. Do not fail to recognize the importance of small elements of courtesy and acts of kindness.
The late David O. McKay, President of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, described the obverse side of the coin of kindness and respect. He said, “On the other hand, looking at other’s frailties, exaggerating each other’s weaknesses, going about sulkily and moodily, or making an indiscreet remark are little drops of poison that cause love to sicken and possibly to die…If, upon examination you were to find termites are undermining the foundation of your house, you would lose no time in having the destructive insects exterminated. You would have the weakened materials removed and the foundation strengthened, and if necessary, rebuilt. There are destructive termites of homes, as well as of houses; and some of these are backbiting, evil-speaking, and fault-finding. Quarreling and swearing also are evils that lower the standards of the ideal home.”
- Remember the most important words:
-The six most important words:“I’m sorry, I made a mistake.”
-The five most important words:“How can I help you?”
-The four most important words: “I need your help.”
-The three most important words: “I love you.”
-The two most important words:“Thank you.”
-The most important word: “Please.”
-“A word spoken in due season, how good it is! A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver.” Solomon, in Proverbs 25:11.
-“The critical period in matrimony is breakfast time.” A.R. Herbert.
-“In the enriching of marriage, the big things are the little things. It is a constant appreciation for each other and a thoughtful demonstration of gratitude. It is the encouraging and helping of each other. Marriage is a joint quest for the good, the beautiful, and the divine. We build our marriages with endless friendship, confidence, integrity, and by administering and sustaining each other in our difficulties. Do I have respect for my partner as a person of worth and value? Listening is excellent communication.” LDS Apostle, Elder James E. Faust, Ensign, November, 1977.
-“It is Christian to say, ‘Maybe I am the one who should change.” Anonymous.
– “Politeness is the art of choosing among one’s real thoughts.” Abel Stevens.
-“Courtesies of a small and trivial character are the ones which strike deepest in the grateful and appreciating heart.” Henry Clay.
-“True politeness consists in being easy with one’s self and making every one as easy as one can.” Alexander Pope.
